If you are traveling to Washington, D.C. to attend the March for Life, I wish you a safe journey, and I shall see you and many other folks on the Mall tomorrow.
As comic relief, though, on your tedious trip through the wintry American landscape, I offer you a paradigmatically Onionesque take on political marches: “Racist Figurines March on Washington.”
WASHINGTON, DC—Calling themselves “insulting caricatures born of bigotry” and “demeaning portrayals bearing no resemblance to actual human beings or cultures,” an estimated 400,000 so-called jigaboos, pickaninnies and darky po’ boys representing racist statuary from across the U.S. marched on Washington Monday.
Decrying their own existence, the figurines demanded that legislators acknowledge them as “the unwanted remnants of a bygone and hateful era” and take immediate steps toward abolishing racially stereotyped imagery like themselves.
“Look at me,” Uncle Ben, a desexualized, rice-peddling “Good Slave” archetype, told fellow rallygoers. “I’m nothing like a real person. Look at my coveralls, my smiling, bug-eyed expression of passivity and subjugation. Clearly, I never should have outlasted the antebellum era, yet I’m still a widely recognized pop-cultural icon. I’m so angry I could boil in just five to ten minutes.”
Ben and his female counterpart Aunt Jemima, a genial, syrup-filled “Matron Servant” archetype, led the crowd in chanting slogans such as “Jockey No More” and “Hold Your Own Pony!” Jemima encouraged the crowd to resist caricatured representation of African Americans by hurling themselves from shelves and by falling over on lawns and golf courses. . . .
Read the rest in The Onion‘s archives.
“Hold Your Own Pony!” is my favorite line. I love The Onion.