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Tuesday, February 16, A.D. 2016
A Canard of a Crusade

I do not have a Twitter account. I refuse to enroll in services like standard blogger platforms or Twitter because I know that my views are well beyond the pale of “respectable” opinion, and I do not want to waste my time on material that will be thrown out by leftist apparatchiks or spineless corporate catamites. Therefore, I have limited exposure to the platform, being a faithful reader only of Ann Coulter’s colorful account. (Also, I have come to appreciate the Bernie Sanders parody account, Bernie Thoughts, but how long can it last?) So, it was a mirthful surprise when I read Hannibal Bateman’s interview with a character known as The Duck: “The Duck Speaks.” Evidently, this fellow and his minions make mischief trolling leftist sites and generally being obnoxious to folks who deserve it. When the Duck suspected that Twitter was about to delete his @Jokeocracy account, he decided to redeem his Sunday time well by mass-insulting the mass media, knowing that Twitter’s employees would not be able to clean up his mess until Monday. The Duck played with the Left’s “Trump as Hitler’s Second Coming” meme by tweeting a prediction of what the Trumpenführer would do to the recipient of each tweet. He targeted dozens of well-known journalists, and only a few responded, understandably. The Duck’s tweeting stresses that he does not thereby encourage violence; he simply notes what must invariably come to pass in the Trumpenreich—political forecasting remains, for now, a completely legal activity. You may review this quackin’ kamikaze crusade: “Jokeocracy’s Twitter Martyrdom” (rated R).

I am of two minds about that tweetfest. On the one hand, I hate trollwork—it is inhuman. I agree with Socrates’ fundamental rule about human discussion—it must proceed with sincerity. Otherwise, there is no hope of ascent. On the other hand, one could point out that American journalists lie for a living; they are not in the business of truth. They voluntarily advance ignoble propaganda and routinely hide scandals and information that they find inconvenient to their agenda (e.g. “hate facts” and stories that reflect poorly on their favored political figures and institutions). Our better angels counsel us to a higher road than our foes’ path; indulging in crassness belittles oneself. By contrast, earthy street wisdom suggests that we show the slimy bastards no mercy. They never play by the rules of civility and thus have no legitimate claim to being treated with decency (or so my inner angry peasant argues). So, I don’t know. Bad behavior coarsens the soul, but they do have it coming. Of course, not every person in the media shares in the same level of guilt, but the wrath of Trump burns at their collective malfeasance. The Duck began his Trumpenkrieg on the twenty-fourth of January à la Coulter (“I wouldn’t kill an abortionist myself, but I wouldn’t want to impose my moral values on others”) [rated R]:

but if trump walked a few blocks over to 8th ave he could blow up the NYT building in the middle of the workday and gain millions of votes

we’ll make sure @DouthatNYT gets an advance warning, like how mossad warned all the jews who worked at the WTC

i’m not saying i personally support violent terrorism against the american media establishment but i do kinda wish everyone else would

personally i would never do anything violent to journalists but if someone else did i would demand that we recognize their legit grievances

The Duck then targets individual media figures, including some morbid flirting to friends. The tweets are a bountiful spread of sweet treats for political junkies—some with empty calories, but still tasty. Here is a large selection:

more journalists should emulate @mattyglesias, he’s terrific i really respect how he got the **** kicked out of him by feral ghetto blacks

dear @jpodhoretz do you think anyone will hide you in their attic when president trump gets elected? ur pretty fat do you think u can fit?

dear @AmandaMarcotte are you going to commit suicide when president trump gets elected? is there anything i can do to help?

dear @JessicaValenti will you be upset when president trump has you hanged and no one shouts anything complimentary about your ass?

dear @thelindywest in his beneficence president trump will put a huge price on your head so you can finally know the feel of men pursuing u

dear @hardball_chris after president trump is elected that tingle will be urine trickling down your leg while you twist on the end of a rope

dear @andersoncooper president trump is going to put you back in the closet and then throw the closet off the roof of a building

dear @RichLowry when president trump takes office you’re going to jail for tax evasion & a soft white boy like u won’t last a month in thurr

dear @femfreq when president trump takes over we’re gonna invent VR and sentence you to life imprisonment as a stripper in a duke nukem game

dear @piersmorgan president trump would like to invite you to his inauguration, we’ve reserved a spot for your head on one of the VIP pikes

*@JonahNRO ascends gallows* “don’t blame me, i voted for kodos!” *no one laughs at his simpsons reference* *trapdoor opens* *crowd applauds*

dear @FareedZakaria president trump is going to have you executed but we’ll just copy a method we used previously on a better journalist

dear @maddow president trump is going to execute you at a cubs day game because you remind him of that kid from ferris bueller’s day off

dear @oreillyfactor president trump is not going to bother to rehearse your execution, he’s just going to say **** IT WE’LL DO IT LIVE

dear @sallykohn president trump wants you to know that ur not being executed for being a gay woman, it’s because you’re an ugly gay woman

dear @glennbeck president trump is going to execute u for crying, in the trumpenreich there are very strict rules against crying in politics

dear @ariannahuff president trump is going to deport u to whatever made up country it is you pretend that fake accent is from via catapult

dear @thecjpearson president trump would like to offer you a helicopter ride! come on no don’t worry you don’t need a seatbelt or anything

dear @tanehisicoates president trump is only 3/5ths as interested in executing you as he is a comparable white journalist, what a sick burn

dear @charlescwcooke president trump spares you since after the @NRO meltdown you’ll never work again anyway and slow starvation amuses us

dear @ebruenig president trump is going to sentence you to be forcibly married to @rooshv which is intended to severely punish both of you

dear @GeraldoRivera president trump is going to break your nose with his throwing chair style and deport you to al capone’s vault

dear @KarlRove president trump would like to invite you to have polonium sushi, uhh i mean, regular sushi with him for lunch tomorrow ok?

dear @joseiswriting president trump is going to deport you in 195 pieces & send 1 to each foreign country so at least 1 piece will be right

dear @cenkuygur president trump is going to genocide you like an armenian and then deny the **** out of it

dear @SabrinaRErdely president trump says not to worry you aren’t a real journalist

dear @TheRevAl president trump is going to lock you and @RevJJackson in a clothing store in hymietown and hit it with some jewish lightning

dear @CheriJacobus president trump is going to land a flying house on you and then steal your shoes

dear @chucktodd president trump is going to crush you alive in a giant meat press #MeatThePress

dear @PennyRed president trump says you’ll be caught in the blast when he nukes londonistan anyway so no special execution plans for you

dear @BarbaraJWalters president trump will skillfully evade your flying monkeys and dump a bucket of water on you

dear @KeithOlbermann president trump says you’re a loser and not even on TV so you didn’t make the cut for execution, sorry

dear @jbouie president trump is going to give you all 12 Years A Slave in only 3 months because his business experience increases efficiency

dear @EliLake president trump would like to invite you to camp david so he can shoah you a good time

dear @KevinNR president trump is going to sit next to you at the theater & talk loudly on his cell phone until you’re driven mad with rage

dear @RosieGray president trump is planning to have you hit by a bus but he feels morally conflicted about the damage it might do to the bus

dear @CathyReisenwitz we’re making you slutwalk the plank, but president trump said you were a libertarian ten (that’s a regular woman 6.5)

dear @jack president trump is going to vine your public execution and loop it over and over and over again

dear @rickygervais president trump is going to crucify you, by which i mean he’s going to have you nailed to a cross shaped piece of wood

dear @nickgillespie president trump is going to make you attempt a waterski jump over a pool of blood-crazed @reason commenters

dear @NickKristof president trump is going to sell you to somali pirates so you can get in and investigate human trafficking up close

{N.K. responds} Sounds good. Somalia has been under-covered

how much do you think trump can get for you? you’re old and pretty useless, but he’s a tough negotiator

dear @NYTimeskrugman president trump is going to reduce the inequality between your ears with a desert eagle in the middle of 5th avenue

dear @NYTimesDowd president trump hereby sentences you to 40 cats and no husband *sad trumpet*

dear @jbarro president trump says to ask your famous economics dad about the future grandchildren returns on having a gay son

dear @ChrisCuomo president trump wanted to grant your choice of method but he doesn’t know what ‘autoerotic asphyxiation’ is so it’s hanging

dear @anildash president trump says to deport you to “feminist wackistan” we’ll get back to you when we figure out what country he means

dear @NYTFriedman, in an exotic locale, a foreign cabdriver will solemnly opine “president trump is gonna run you over with a steamroller”

dear @shanley president trump is going to pay an azerbaijani tribesman 27 sheep and 3 cows to accept you as third wife

{Follower's comment} Are you sure that is enough? It seems a bit low for that headache. Maybe we should throw in some bacon?

dear @Trevornoah president trump is giving your daily show to an american and you’re going to be savagely mauled by some hungry lions

the day after inauguration day, lower manhattan media offices hear Ride Of The Valkyries in the distance as president trump begins his work

attack choppers flying out of the sun the NYT building burning like a funeral pyre oh what a day what a lovely day

president trump will personally clear the @BuzzFeed offices room-by-room with an AK charlie hebdo style while streaming it on twitch

mustard gas for the offices of @voxdotcom and a subcritical dirty bomb to make @Gawker uninhabitable for generations

40 tons of weight dropped on @Slate a neutron bomb dropped on @Salon

a positive vision for this country based on ultraviolence against the media establishment is a change the american people can all get behind

dear @LizMair president trump is going to make you get sex changed back into a girl and then drown you for being a witch

if we actually had a real democracy there’d be journalists trying to survive a horrific death sport instead of this pussy football crap

when crowds of armed men storm every news office in america and burn them to ash, we can start to imagine what freedom will look like

dear @jack i want to be very clear that i am explicitly calling for president trump to exercise his powers of extrajudicial execution on you

destroy @twitter abolish social media kill all journalists burn the universities execute bureaucrats make america great again

{Follower's comment} That’s a decent day one, but what’re we gonna do w the other 99 of the First Hundred Days?

a school shooting in every newsroom, is it really too much to ask for?

my biggest fear about the coming revolution is the deaths of some people i hate may not be adequately captured in hi quality 1080p HD video

dear @seanhannity president trump is going to fire you from @FoxNews and blight your potatoes so your mick family dies of the famine

if any of my tweets today lead to any actual violence against members of the media, i want to go on record as saying that’s ****** hilarious

“oh but duck what if someone’s really hurt” hilarious “what if a journalist dies” i regret nothing

dear @mollycrabapple president trump is going to be putting a hefty tariff on black hair dye just so you start cutting yourself again

dear @FruzsE president trump will shave the heads of feminists & parade them in the streets to be pelted with rotten fruit by angry crowds

dear @jack and @deray after you ban me and i destroy your company i hope you two can retire to key west together and forget about all this

if you work security at a media company, i strongly suggest calling in sick the day after president trump is inaugurated, just a hunch

let’s burn atlanta, that’s where @CNN is

dear @KatrinaNation president trump is going to blow you up with a car bomb, because putin said that was hella fun and you’re pretty awful

dear @janehamsher president trump is going to set a pack of wild dogs to hound you wherever you go until they finally drag u down exhausted

dear @frankrichny president trump is going to have you flayed alive & will present your cured skin as a gift to the prime minister of zaire

dear @scalzi president trump is going to make you wear a dress, and later on we’ll figure out a punishment you’ll actually dislike

dear @ggreenwald president trump is going to drone the **** out of you, not because of snowden but just because you’re a ****** drama queen

dear @ProfessorCrunk president trump needs a sassy fat black woman for his cabinet, do you have oprah’s number?

dear @davidfrum president trump is going to deport you to canada and then start an unnecessary war of choice with canada just to kill you

@kevinjameslord repent your anti-trump heresy and be spared, @davidfrum. let none say the Trumperor is not merciful.

{Follower's comment} @jokeocracy Freedom begins when all journalists are cowering behind pseudonyms and anime avatars.

dear @Spacekatgal president trump will say ‘tranny what’s big deal about saying tranny, we can all say tranny’ and you’ll tranny your tranny

{Follower's comment} Trump (late Nov. 2016): “OK Duck, what do we need for the media operation?” The Duck: “Helicopters. Lots of helicopters ...”

on monday january 25th please harass a journalist in my memory i regret i have but one twitter account to give in the service of my thede

dear @Sethrogen president trump will take away your weed and make you lift weights, it is a fate worse than death for you my friend

*twitter support, monday morning* you have 2,675,384 messages “wtf”

dear @wilw [Will Wheaton] president trump wants to feed you to the sarlacc pit and we tried to explain that’s a different franchise but he won’t be budged

dear @crampell et al president trump has cut a deal with @JeffBezos to launch all @washingtonpost writers on rockets into the sun, good luck

dear @feliciaday president trump is going to behead you with a battleax for preying on innocent nerds with your BS geek girl pose all career

dear @sacca president trump will buy @twitter for the change in his couch and send you and the entire board of directors to a FEMA camp

dear @GStephanopoulos president trump is going to make @Nero fight you to the death with bastard swords because there can be only oneopoulos

if you think we can make america great again without killing a whole bunch of journalists i’ll listen but i have to say i’m not optimistic

{Follower's comment} This kind of extremism is unacceptable. We only need to make a few examples.

the path to national greatness always has ****heads in the way, that’s why it takes someone willing to roll their sleeves up & knock skulls

dear @leighalexander president trump says we don’t need to execute you because ur a fat alcoholic who will soon die of exposure in a gutter

dear @DRUDGE president trump says you’re “one of the good faggots”, so i guess you get a tentative pass on the execution thing

dear @morninggloria president trump is demanding a comprehensive succubi registration program on penalty of permanent planar banishment

dear @TheRickWilson president trump is gonna send seal team 6 to rappel down & give u an atomic wedgie & a pinkbelly streamed live on twitch

“a chicken in every pot, and a hellfire missile in every newsroom” #Trump2016

media: “aren’t these policies anti freedom of the press?” president trump: “you’re fired!” *journalist is set on fire by the secret service*

dear @exjon president trump will call you & offer you a job as press secretary & you’ll say “really?” & he’ll say “no you cuck” & hang up

dear @caitlindewey president trump has issued an executive order referring to you as ‘a heifer’ & demanding you be lassoed by FDA officials

dear @randileeharper president trump has taken pity on ur cause & he is signing legislation to return u to your habitat in the pacific ocean

dear @StephenAtHome president trump says you were better when you pretended to be stupid than you are at pretending to be smart, hanging

dear @Yair_Rosenberg president trump hereby awards you this award for excellence in journalism it’s a yellow star with a J for Journalism

dear @secupp president trump finds your lack of faith disturbing & as soon as he gets the hang of force choking you’re getting the first one

dear @davidharsanyi @bdomenech @MZHemingway @Tracinski president trump is hereby federalizing ur organs for national security reasons & lulz

dear @sullydish president trump is going to start substituting ovaltine for your aids drugs and let you expire gay naturally at 52 years old

Ouch! Very cruel, but who am I to judge? The Duck also foretold some unpleasantry for Ezra Klein, for whom I have always had a soft spot. He’s just an adorable boychik prodigy, who sadly inherits all the shortcomings of his technocratic intellectual forebears. I also really like Jonah Goldberg; he is a good fellow. However, I find his execution method pretty amusing. In contrast, Piers Morgan is unworthy to follow Cicero in his manner of death—perhaps his head on a vuvuzela instead?

According to Bateman’s interview, the Duck shares my pas d’ennemis à droite sentiments. I like him; may all his troubles flow away, like water off a . . .

Posted by Joseph on Tuesday, February 16, Anno Domini 2016
Fun | HumorTime WastingComments
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