Some folks in the enemy ranks have remarked that great feats, like master artistry, accomplish multiple objectives simultaneously in a unified manner. Naturally, we prefer the excitement of chaos and unchanneled, emotive vitalism in these climes, but I suppose that there is something admirable in the stinginess of efficient actions. Just so, my fellow agents have a great fondness for the following story, which has been making the rounds recently: “Campus zealots hound student out of lectures and bars with shouts of ‘rapist’ after he dared to question the effectiveness of rape ‘consent workshops.’” A young man who has been substantially processed by our pedagogical methods—embraced so readily of late among the English speaking peoples—took a chance to veer from his programming when he questioned the efficacy of an anti-rape campaign at his school, noting, “that the overwhelming majority of people ‘don’t have to be taught to not be a rapist’ – and that men inclined to commit the crime would be unlikely to attend such a workshop.”
This George Lawlor’s haphazard attempt at masculinity (let it be noted that “he found his invitation to one of the sessions ‘incredibly hurtful’”) and self-respect permitted some departments here to orchestrate a grand bash, built, of course, on decades of general preparation. I am pleased to report that Lawlor was devastated by the reaction to his words, tasting a mouthful of sexualized disorder, finding himself called a rapist and misogynist, and generally fearing for his present and future well-being. How splendid! There are so few circumstances where we get so much mileage from so little effort. Lawlor and his victims will proceed to develop an ever more cynical, hostile attitude toward the world, especially to persons of the opposite sex (ha—I mean “varying genders,” as recent memos from our lexicon department encourage us to use). This will further break down trust, preclude good will, and hopefully keep all involved from developing meaningful relationships that distract people from business—our business, of course.
Moreover, these little celebrations of obfuscation and confusion help to blur the lines around rape. And why fence in such an industrious beast, so accomplished in devastating lives? If any “microaggression” (what a triumph of marketing!) gets called rape, then the word (and, necessarily, the idea—silly mortals), which continues to trigger moral indignation and the thumotic response toward action, will lose its power. Spread the rape accusation around, and then spread the act of rape around. We enfeeble their silly taboos as well as their men’s respect and protective instincts for women. Open season for accusation to open season for perpetration! Damaged souls and bodies will multiply—how delightful. The Lawlor case really shows the potential of our administrative genius!