Friday, October 14, A.D. 2011

Advice for a New Bishop

Philip Lawler has published some great advice for a new bishop on Catholic Culture. Lawler and his friends compiled the list after the recent scandals that have plagued the Latins. Though based on the particular situation of the Roman Church in America, I think that many of Lawler’s recommendations would be useful for Orthodox hierarchs. I laughed heartily as I read some of his points, which are humorous in a rather dark way. Among his suggestions, we read:

Upon arrival, get rid of all paper shredders at the chancery and insist that no work be taken home in briefcases. Make friends with the maintenance man and the wash lady.

Immediately obtain a backup copy of the computer network and secure it for any future audit. Change the locks. Secure the bank accounts. Check stock.

There are probably a large number of people you really have to dismiss quickly: rebellious pastors, effeminate chancery officials, etc. (The less urgent cases can wait; you can use the budget crisis to justify the blow.) Fire them all at once. Plan it carefully to minimize the uproar. Make the announcements late on a Friday afternoon. On Saturday, release that rip-snorting pastoral letter on family life, which you have been drafting since your appointment was announced. Schedule some event Sunday with a big, loyal Catholic group. Tell reporters you’ll answer questions there.

Put the religious orders on notice. Maybe throw out one of the smaller ones just as a warning shot.

Talk to the pro-lifers, identify the level-headed ones, and get their read on your own clergy: who’s solid, who’s good but weak, who belongs to the opposition. Ditto for the lay bureaucrats and hospital admin types.

Having found a few priests you can trust absolutely, spend some long late evenings going over personnel files with them.

Plan for a massive scale-down: school and parish closings, clergy put on waivers, chancery pink slips. You’ll probably have a 6-to 12-month grace period in which you can justify almost any cost-cutting by saying, “Sorry. We have to pay the sodomy bill.” Use it to get rid of the worst personnel and the schools that are beyond hope.

To the extent possible, fly in support to your home-schoolers. Inter alia, almost all the vocations you get (and want to keep) will come from them.

You will find that you have two or three prosperous parishes that are traditional centers of opposition, led by dissident priests. If you had all your priests read that fire-breather pastoral on protecting family life, you’ll probably have enough general lay support—even given the hostility of the media—to face down the bad pastors after they refuse to play ball. Replace them with Nigerians to mute the screams from liberals and to force the worst parishioners to go to the Episcopalians or the Paulists.

Get to know some state troopers. Buy them a round of beer. Tell them that you want to hear about trouble from them, not from the press. Tell them it is a moral obligation to arrest wrong-doers. Ask them to pass the word.

Hire your own director of religious education, and tell him to select new texts throughout. Institute standardized testing to make sure something is happening in CCD classes. Tell parents (and pastors) that kids can’t be confirmed if they do not pass the test. Spot-check when you do confirmations.

Spend a lot of time at the seminary. Arrive unannounced frequently.

When you visit parishes, skip the phony paperwork. Speak to the priests, personnel, and parish council: one-on-one, if possible. Ask them what’s the biggest problem facing the parish. Look for trends in the sacramental index. Check the liquor cabinet in the rectory. Check the grocery bill.

Make a habit of calling priests at random, at odd times. Ask them what they’re doing.

Identify Orthodox Jews, who are big on family values, and make it clear you’re well disposed to them. Not only is it a huge help politically to have an Orthodox rabbi standing next to you when you hold a press conference deploring some abortion-law outrage, but if you can get on the right side of the rift in the Jewish community you can spare yourself aggravation from the liberal Jews who anoint themselves public spokesmen.

Having informed him of your wishes on the matter, dock the diocesan paper editor a day’s pay every time your photo appears. The diocese is not about YOU.

Publish every semester a roster of the theologians and philosophers teaching in your diocese along with their mandatum status. Give a brief but candid explanation for any case in which the mandatum has been denied, e.g., “defects regarding Catholic doctrine on contraception.”

If a complaint comes in on liturgical abuse, phone the pastor and get his side of the story. Make it a policy to write him a letter summarizing the conversation (including his assurances of conformity) and if that complaint was warranted, insist that he post your letter in the vestibule of the church for a month. If the complainant reports no change, send someone to check it out on site.

Find out when Eucharistic adoration is being held at schools and colleges and make it a point of sliding in unexpectedly and joining the students in adoration—not taking center stage, perhaps not even saying a word, but just being shoulder to shoulder at prayer with them.

Find an opportunity to visit all three military service academies once a year and give the cadets the most ferocious rip-roaring homily you can muster (as a clandestine vocation appeal). You’ll bag 6 to 10 a year—not all scholars, but good men from good families. There’s a huge pool of idealism there that’s coming to grips with the disillusionment toward military life. They love folks who promise to make it hard on them.

Kudos to Lawler for the battle plan!

Posted by Joseph on Friday, October 14, Anno Domini 2011
Religion | Orthodoxy • Roman Catholicism • (0) Comments